i cant stop tuning in to the various videos and articles about the children who lost their lives in the sandy hook elementary school shooting. i go there, to the various news outlets online, every day to find out more, to watch another video, see some new photos, hoping they will be able to give us more insight into these little lives lost and into the motive of the shooter.
i go there to cry and be sad. it just happens. how can you not cry over the beautiful faces and heartbreaking stories from parents of these young, sweet children. it makes me think of myself at that age. full of life and excitement, goofy, zany, happy, wanting to make friends, to play in the sunshine, to sing and dance and pet strange kittens, color in coloring books. i imagine myself in those children and myself today. i have 36 years in me. they had 6. how much changes as you gain 30 more years of life. how bitter, angry and judgemental I have become. how i feel the need to protect myself from people who say or do things to hurt me, either intentionally or unintentionally. instead of holding hands with friends in a circle and learning a new song or sitting together, knees crossed indian style to hear a story or make a christmas tree out of green construction paper, i drive around angry. angry at the world for what has not worled out. spewing vitriol to friends who will listen about people i feel who have done me wrong.
the innocence at the age of those beautiful newtown children, 6 and 7, were all of us at one point. i have no children of my own, nor do i desire them. in fact passing a school yard of children wildly and loudly at play kind of annoys me. all the screaming and shouting and the juvenile remarks like, "that's not fair!!! I get the ball now! come here, so and so...no not you, you go stand over there!" really drive me batty and make me happy that I dont carry that responsibility of raising a little human being, or having to keep that human being entertained, occupied. Teaching them right from wrong. But still, when I look back at myself and my friends at that age, we were just a fresh bloom on a flower, slowly opening up to the world. not yet, dried out or burnt by the harshness and realities of life.
its unfair that they dont have the opportunity to try and maintain those sweet personalities and lessons they were learning in school. to share, be kind, smile, say please and thank you, be gentle with the animals, help mommy make a cake and sit with daddy to hear a story. it makes me wish I was still as fresh, lovely and innocent as they were at that age. where they could run around and be free under the watchful and caring eyes of their parents and school teachers. what is not to love about a child at that age? I will try to find that joy, kindness and newness of life that a 6 or 7 year old feels. when they truly ARE trying to be a good person and they want things to be fair and right and true. I have to find that gentle part of my soul again, because they will never have the chance to.
