another sunny morning in beautiful los, angeles, ca. i am back from driving to the west side. sitting down on the 60 buck green couch my b.f. bought off a friend. drinking a warm ice tea. just trying to "mind dump" as my comedy teacher would say. i would call it stream of consciousness writing. getting rid of shit to make room for better shit, hopefully. i like typing it rather than hand writing it. i am a pretty fast typist if i dont think about it while i am typing. i type with 3 fingers. two index and an occasional thumb gets in there. whatever. i have to organize myself. i have to get things together and start doing some research on my comedy career. when i think about it, i get excited. i believe i can do this. i am surrounded by mess right now.
i am forcing my b.f. to go to therapy with me. dont start guys, i dont want to hear it. you dont know how to communicate. well, not all of you. but, i am going to be 36 in less than a month and there are certain things that i want that i dont feel i am getting. like passionate hot sex and beautiful romance and the sharing of ideas and feelings and desires. i want that. so sue me. dont expect to make any money or win though. ah whatever. time to light up a smoke. american spirits yellow are my fave. something about seeing that yellow box just ignites my desire to smoke. colors are interesting that way. they evoke different feelings in a person. theres something about seeing an indian with a headdress on that makes it seem less cancerous. tea and tobacco leaves are flooding my system as i speak through the keyboard.
am i a modern day artist? sitting here, writing, trying to express and create? to sift through my thoughts and ideas? i dunno. i'd like to think so. a modern day artist that nobody knows. but i dont care. i still have lots of hours to tackle if i'm going to reach 10,000. lets just say i've been doing 20 mins a week of comedy for the last 4 years or so. that's only about 450 hours, right? i dunno, math is not my thing. i went up twice last night. by myself. i was proud of myself for doing that. it is hard for me to not go with a comedy buddy. but i forced myself and it wasnt so bad.
i dont need anyone. i want people, and i like them. but i can do this. i can take care of myself. that is reassuring, because for many years, i didnt know how i was going to take care of myself. and now i am transitioning once again. at least, i like to think that is what is going on. it's 11:23 in the morning and i am writing. i may have been heading to my job. and my job is my business. i started my own business 6 years ago. little by little, i think good things have been happening for me. i want to believe that good things can continue to happen. i probably have my anti depressants to thank for that as well. and my therapist. i have had a lot of people in my life help to guide me to this place where i am standing tall on my own two feet. no, not everything is perfect, is it ever, really? but i think i can do this. the universe is my religion. or my spirituality and i believe i can manifest things i want if i keep working towards them.
i wanted something different before, but it wasnt really happening and it didnt really fuel me. it didnt excite me. comedy excites me. speaking my mind, expressing my attitudes in my way. being big. i dont want to be small and contained. never have. there is an excited energy in me now. a lot of the time, i am scared or maybe distracted and unfocused, but the energy is always there. the desire is there. and it is the same. i felt like a failure on wednesday because the other thing i wanted hasnt really worked out for me.maybe i didnt work at it enough. but things change. and just because i am letting go of that for something else, doesnt mean that i may not have an opportunity again. but for now i feel it is important to grow in this direction. it makes more sense to me. my body, soul and mind are connected to this new change in a way that feels much stronger than before. so hopefully. hopefully. but i am just overwhelmed with all this fuckin mess around me. i dont want to clean it up. its a bitch. i need a maid.
making money is exciting to me too. i love getting checks. its been a pretty good year so far. with all the mess in the world and the noise and the suffering and stocks falling and horrible things happening to people, i feel grateful that things seem to be ok for me. i'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. but i cant live my life in that place nor do i want to. that is fear and you manifest more fear by thinking of fearful things. so i will stay hopeful and present in this moment right now, at 11:31 in the morning on a wednesday in the year 2012 and the month of september. i will stay open and happy and i will bring forth more prosperity. when you do what you love and your heart and your effort is in sync, how can that go wrong?
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